“Man’s search for meaning is the primary motivation in his life and not a “secondary rationalization” of instinctual drives.”
Viktor Frankl in “Man’s Search for Meaning”
In his book “Into the Wild,” Jon Krakauer chronicles the life of Christopher McAndless. Christopher was born only days apart from me in 1968. Throughout the book, I drew many similarities between our life journeys. Born of caring yet sometimes distant parents, his troubled relationship with his father led Chris to question much of his upbringing and many of the messages he received from society. Chris often looked inwardly for meaning and drew his inspiration from exploring, meeting new people and traveling across the country. He found himself drawn to Alaska and the frontier life, as if to finally prove his worth in a battle against only himself. Likewise, Alaska has and always will pull at my desires to explore and help me rediscover myself. It is an Everest that still waits for me.
I read Krakauer’s account of McAndless’s life and I was eager to watch the movie with my wife. The book and movie end with Chris dying in a lonely bus that he used for shelter in the wilds of Alaska, the victim of starvation after probably eating seed pods he thought would be safe. Nearing starvation, one of his final acts was to take a picture of himself in the hopes it would one day be found. Despite his emaciated condition, likely only hours from his own death, he appears to be smiling and at peace in the photo.
As the movie concludes with Chris’ lifeless eyes peering deep into the skies, I asked my wife what she thought of the story. “Sad, depressing” she said. “Why was he so selfish and stupid? Where was his family? What did you think?” My reply was a complete 180. “I found it inspiring. Chris was seeking truth and hope and was digging into the marrow of his life. It is always sad when someone dies alone, but that was his journey that he chose. Chris did not leave that page of his life unturned, and he died with a certain peace of mind that few ever experience.”
This was not the first time my wife and I had different viewpoints on a movie or event. Why was it that I was somehow inspired though and my wife was seemingly depressed? How many other events and decisions in our lives have arrived at with diametrically opposing viewpoints? We all view stories and events through our own lens, shaped by a lifetime of experience and perspectives. I’ve often wished for others to be able to look through my lens so that it would be that much simpler for others to understand me, namely my wife.
Examining my own three circles, I now understand how important that part of self is to me, though not at the expense of the other two circles. Balance has been essential to maintain my own happiness. Within that circle lie independence, strength, nature, wisdom, and individualism. All of these characteristics I shared with Christopher McAndless; I likely share some of these traits with my wife as well. However, I chose to marry her to complement me, and this she has always done well. I have resorted at times to feeling as though the circle of self is not important to her, yet I have never gone so far as to ask her what might truly lie within her circle of self. Beyond my own wife and my family, how are we to know what is important to others?
Perhaps the search for self is ultimately a search for meaning, or hope, or the dreams that are often the result of having a hope that gives you greater meaning. Viktor Frankl wrote of this search for meaning as “the primary motivation in our lives and not a “secondary rationalization” of instinctual drives”. He arrived at this conclusion while a prisoner in the Nazi Concentration Camps and bearing witness to fellow prisoners in their struggle to maintain life, “…with this loss of belief in the future, he also lost his spiritual hold; he let himself decline and became subject to mental and physical decay” (Frankl 1984, p. 105).
For me, my hope was to hike the Long Trail, among many adventures I dreamed of. More than the hike though, it was that shred of independence, that test of strength, and a morsel of communicating with the Almighty. Those will remain with me and are integral parts of my circle of self. For my wife, it may have more to do with the worth she derives from raising our children, or the time alone she can steal while working in the garden. For each, the circle of self is distinct and unique. Each act of self though is wrapped in family and community as the three circles are always connected.
As we each hope for different reasons, we will each have different circles in our lives. At times, I have felt that my wife is so invested in her circle of family that it comes at the expense of her self. As a result, it affects our relationship as husband and wife. This anxiety then permeates back through the system and may ultimately affect the family and communities that we associate with. This would only be true, however, if her circles were identical to my own circles. The same can be said for understanding any person’s circles of self or community. For some, community may only be a few select friends and work.
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